A year ago today, friends and family, a partner and a mother lost someone close to their hearts. Neil Chastain passed on September 22, 2021, a date that coincided with the Autumnal Equinox. Known for the light of its days, an equinox is recognized as one of two times each year when both hemispheres of the Earth receive exactly the same amount of sun light. Less recognized is that on such days night is also equal, because while day is the result of the sun shedding light upon the Earth, night is the occlusion of that same light by Earth which casts a shadow upon itself. Both day and night exist in correspondence as a duality in our world. As it was a year ago for those who knew Neil, a day like today has become one that holds a certain relatable significance.

In the warm embrace of the sun, it holds memories of the good. Neil had a magnetic quality. He was a person who made quick friends in any group. He had an uncanny ability to break down walls and instigate laughter in those around him. He was a good friend of some 25 years and a man I loved as a brother. He was hopeful for a future that reflected the best parts of himself back into the world. One where he could be a mentor to others who dealt with addiction. Where he could marry. Where he could be a father. Where he could…

But along with the light comes the memory of his end, and in that moment all the good, all the laughs, all the years find an equal. In the shadows, Neil struggled with feelings of doubt, with questions to which he had not found answers, and with the effects of a substance that ultimately overtook him.

While it may not be readily apparent how similar Neil’s story is to our own, if we concede that light and dark exist in our world at the same time, and that, in kind, we have a light and a dark side, it becomes easier to reconcile. We all strive and we all struggle. We all want more and want to need less. We all grasp at straws hoping to stay our spin so that in light alone we may rest. Wishing that, if we focus intently enough, the dark may cease to be; that our fear, our strife, our pain, might be taken from us. But denying darkness does not diminish it. In contrast, it robs us of a capacity to give grace and to extend true compassion to ourselves and others. Denial allows darkness to grow, and under its weight a tension builds between that which we strive for and that we deny. We’re only human. We have limited strength, limited will, and our grip eventually loosens or the straws give way. Under such tension, where then will we find ourselves? 

The effects that act upon us, and our reactions to them, dare not always embody such extremes as those that took my friend. Rather, they lurk in shadow beneath our awareness, slowly and silently eroding us from the inside out. It is our responsibility to look upon the darkness before it manifests in such dire terms.

The choice to truly see ourselves is our gambit. Ignorance – such a blissful fellow – sacrificed to gain self awareness. And while awareness of the shadow may be discomforting, it may seem like reaching bottom, they say it’s always darkest just before the dawn. In times like those, our darkest hours, our souls approach new beginnings, but with dawn comes choice again, so we must be vigilant. We must not become complacent. Choice is our power in this game of cause and effect. What will we choose?

In writing this my mind is cast to one dark night from a longer story when, by grace, the light broke through…

I asked intently into the void, questioning purpose and meaning. Imploring an endless abyss from the depths of my being. Searching furiously until I lost the will to find. It was only then, in a moment of utter humility, the answers came.

I asked for Love, and I was told:
If you desire Love, then Love without bounds. Give of yourself wholly and become all that is.

I asked for God, and I was told:
If you desire God, then free yourself from limitation. Understand that God is here and God is now.

I asked for Truth, and I was told:
If you desire Truth, then know that you too are here and you are now, and there is nothing else.

Heed my voice. Take your first breath. Cry your first tears. Recognize the fullness of all that you are and step into the wholeness of being.

That experience of grace was one of the most powerful of my lifetime, but it came with a charge. I have a part to play in my redemption. I must choose to Love, to free myself, to seek understanding, to listen, to recognize, to act. Is it any wonder that I still often feel without, caught up again in a dizzying spin?

So it is for many of us. We consider our circumstances too difficult to face. We think it much easier to move along without shining a light on our thoughts and actions, without truly seeing how they affect us and those around us. We choose against our best interests. Our role, our personal responsibility, cannot be denied. Neil’s story shows the importance of taking responsibility for choice first hand and challenges us to understand how cause and effect play out in our lives.

When we struggle we must remember that there is always a way through, and that to see it we have to be willing to shine light in the darkest of places. We may be surprised at what is revealed. The chains that bind us may well lie within our own grip. There too we might also find a key. Of course, the dual nature we share never makes things quite as easy as they’re said.

I just pray that if ever we feel it becomes too difficult or too dark we ask for help. Ask for help before it’s too late. Ask…and be willing to do what is asked in return when a hand is extended.

If we seek to see rightly and we humble ourselves, we become open to receive. Only then can we act rightly in wielding the power of choice, but don’t take my word for it.

– Matthew 5: 3-10.

When September Ends

We live our lives presuming
That we’ve always got more time.
Yet before we know it
It’s gone…
And it’s only looking back we see
How it drifted and slipped,
It sifted like sand through our grip.
It coursed like a river,
And now we remain.
We remember
The life that passed,
But also the truth…
That Love outlasts a lifetime.
So when we need, we must remember,
Asking opens doors through which we may receive
Grace that’s given freely from a place we here know not,
Yet whence comes a peace which passeth understanding.

We’re here, but our hearts are there. 
Our friend, our brother, our partner, our son. 

Neil. 

– All is well in the cosmos –